The Pop Fop Reviews Finland
So I have officially left the fine country of Finland and am writing to you now from a cafe in Heathrow Airport, the worst airport in the worst country in the world*. My month in Helsinki was wonderful, the architecture is beautiful and the people are hospitable, friendly and attractive. As such, here is my list of the best and worst things about Helsinki.
Pros
1. Great architecture. You can certainly find plenty of examples of the Scandinavian Modernism people normally associate with the region, but there are many beautiful, early 20th century buildings which fall under the category of Art Nouveau (or Jugend as they refer to it) and Nordic architecture movement, National Romanticism.
2. Babes. Seriously. Tons of babes. Granted like most cities, they are concentrated more in the downtown area and once you get further out to the more humble, strictly residential areas people get a bit uglier. Nevertheless, I would probably sleep with 65% of the women I saw around downtown Helsinki aged 16 to 35. But then I am also a bit of a slut. Also, the age of consent in Finland is 16 so get off your high horse before you go accusing me of being a sex offender.
3. Lonkero or long drink. This is a Finland exclusive alcoholic drink which contains gin and grapefruit juice (and here I thought the gin and grapefruit cocktail was my personal creation.) You can buy big cans of it at most supermarkets but it’s way better from from the tap at a bar served in an ale glass with ice.
4. Stockmann’s. This is a Finnish retail chain which only exists in Nordic countries. The one in downtown Helsinki is six floors and features a supermarket, a package store, men’s and women’s casual and business wear, electronics, sports junk and a deli. It’s upscale without being snooty and a lot more fun to walk around than a Macy’s or Best Buy. The only downside is it’s rather expensive but that’s true of buying clothes anywhere in Europe.
5. Twinks. Finland is easily the twink capital of Europe. Maybe they’ve got some competition from Sweden, but I’ve never been there so I don’t know. Either way, if you like adorable and often androgynous skinny blonde boys, usually wearing all black with a fashionable scarf wrapped around their pale necks, this is the place for you.
6. Swastikas. The swastika has been a traditional Finnish symbol since the 18th century. While you don’t see it on people in the streets or anything, it is ever present in their national emblems. The Finnish Air Force continues to use a rather Nazi esque swastika to this day! They don’t seem apologetic about at it all either. Good for them, it’s time we reclaimed the swastika from a bunch of crude idiots who’s ass we, Britain and Russia kicked a long time ago.
7. Saunas. Getting nude with some other dudes (or womenfolk if you’re a chick) and sweating out all your stress and problems then emerging back into a freezing winter is the Finnish pass time. The traditional way to enjoy this includes being gently whipped by tree branches followed by a naked roll in the snow before heading back into the sauna to warm up. I never did this because the sauna I went to was in the middle of Helsinki and the snow outside was rather dirty. But my friend Peter did and said it was quite the experience.
8. Kebab shops. While I’m pretty sure this is widespread across most of Europe, especially northern and central Europe, it was a new experience to me. In Helsinki there are about as many kebab shops are there are Dunkin Donuts in Boston. Nothing beats some thinly sliced lamb with salad, rice, french fries and some sort of delicious sauce after a night of swilling beers and dancing. Most of the them are open till 5 AM too!
9. Grilled Reindeer. Even though this animal is slightly endangered, you can eat it in Finland. It’s not cheap, but it is delicious and when else are you going to say you had the chance to eat reindeer?
Cons
1. Proper dance and gay clubs. The first nightlife I experience was at a club which was described in many guide books as a either a hetero friendly gay bar or a gay friendly hetero bar. Truth is it was a hetero singles bar with a dance floor (if one could call it that) which fit about six people comfortably on it. The rest of my night there featured me almost getting into a fight with a racist Finn from Tempere, “The Manchester of Finland.”
I also went to DTM, billed as the largest gay club in Finland. It was also described as having three floors, but the first floor was only a bathroom and the upstairs dance floor was only open on Friday and Saturday. Certainly better than Lost & Found, but also heavily invaded by heteros. Not cruisy in the slightest, not that I was looking for anonymous sex in the bathroom or anything, but I got the impression that even a bit of harmless flirting was frowned upon. People went to talk to their friends and their friends only. I did meet a fashionable, arsonist lesbian on a slow night there however. Also, too many fag hags and queen bees.
The gayest club I went to was Hercules, which was pretty cruisy but unfortunately geared towards the older crowd. A 35 year old drunk guy hit on me for a while and told me I was a, “nice strong boy.” I can’t say I didn’t appreciate the compliment (a girl’s gotta get by somehow.) There dance floor was decent sized and they played typical gay house music which I can easily groove to.
The best place to dance I went to was Recycle Club which is a small bar with a small dance area but is geared exclusively for “hispstery” twentysomethings. Depending on the night they play either Italo Disco or indie grooves.
Conclusion
All in all, Finland fucking rocks and if you ever have the chance to go I would highly recommend doing so. Also, I bet it’s 10x more fun in the summer.
* I am obviously kidding with my Anglophobia here, despite the fact that large sections of Britain seem aggressively ugly (re: structures not people.) But Heathrow is a sprawling yet claustrophobic airport that probably ranks as one of the worst in Europe, somewhere next to Charles De Gaulle which has one escalator.